And that’s ok. In fact, that’s what I really want.

I don’t want to waste anyone’s time by sharing my insecurities, thoughts, fears and little tiny rays of hopes. Because, what else is new?

Bleak future- Days that look so freakishly similar that I no longer know if I am actually living, reliving, or just standing still while life is happening.

I can tell you my mind is all sorts of exciting. That it’s filled with beautiful dreams and a promise of better days. But then I would be lying. My mind hasn’t had an exciting thought since August 4, 2020.

I think it has pretty much given up, leaving my heart to beat too fast at times, too slow sometimes. I have completely forgotten what a regular heartbeat feels like.

I can tell you I am sad, or I am happy. I would also be lying. Truth is, I am not feeling, anything-

Maybe it’s a waiting phase. This one, where everything seems to be going downhill.

I am just tired of trying-

I am tired of putting on my widest smile, my largest legging and my squeakiest voice to say: I am OK

Because everyone is saying they’re not. And that took a while for us as humankind to admit.

But I am ok, I guess. Or I am not- depends what ok really means these days.

It can mean survival, being able to go for walks, have a paying job, a roof over one’s head, food on the table.

If that’s the case. I am OK

I spend days from one virtual meeting to another, I have prepped meals for lunch, I indulge in guiltless snacks that still manage to make me feel guilty after eating them.

I spend nights waiting for the sun to rise- What once used to be my favorite thing is now my least favorite.

Sunsets are no longer pretty- I can no longer see my favorite colors shining through. There’s only darkness

Anyway, I want to write that I can’t seem to find my long lost self, and I don’t want you to read this- because we can’t bear anymore losses.

We, the humans who had a million stories to tell,

And now they can’t even finish one.