But I thought I was immune!

For the past 5 years, I made a choice to free myself from all forms of heartaches and the pains of love. The only ache I had in my heart was when I found out I was lactose intolerant and could no longer have my favorite all time plates of Labneh and Grilled Halloumi cheese from Zaatar w Zeit.

I was immune to heartaches, and I was doing a great job too.

The drill was simple really, whenever I found myself getting slightly attached to a person, it was my queue to let go. My warning signs were morning messages, checking whatsapp’s last seen and taking more time to choose my outfit when going on a date with them.

I was immune to dreams, to the future, to big plans.

I was mostly immune, or maybe mostly oblivious to Life’s most common questions:

-What do you want ? They would ask

-I don’t know.. I answered one too many times

-But, What is it that you really want ?

-I don’t know, to be happy?

With time, I stopped saying things I used to repeat over and over again. I stopped saying: I Just want to be happy

I stopped blabbering about finding peace of mind, about being ok with myself, about trying to see the beauty in me and therefore the world.

Fuck that!

This new trend of loving yourself, putting yourself first and doing whatever makes you happy is the most expensive trend of all times. It’s the psychologists, psychiatrists, life coaches, health coaches, nutritionists and many others bank on to keep us hanging on to the idea that happiness is the ultimate thing in life.

I guess, in a weak attempt on my behalf, I believed that avoiding heartbreaks is the way to happiness.

In the midst of my perfect plan, I made a calculation mistake, and 5 years later, my heart is broken..

It aches so much to the point where I think I can no longer breathe, it aches so bad that I can’t think straight or really focus on anything.

My heart aches, food has no taste, clothes are overrated, people are fake.

My Heart aches, sleep is the only thing that makes sense, it also pushes the pain away..

My heart aches, All I want to do it rip it out of my body and throw it away..

Despite the pain…Avoiding heartbreaks was the worst decision I ever made..

Happiness is not the ultimate thing in life, it can’t possibly be a permanent state.. I can’t remember the last time I was subjected to uncontrollable tears. I forgot how cleansing they are. I forgot there is a beautiful thing called memory, where we remember the good times and feel the pain flowing through our hearts, out and away..

I am happy I am not as immune as I thought to heartbreaks

I am happy I am not immune at all.

For there is beauty in loving with your whole being

Knowing you might lose it all

There is beauty in showing your soul

Even though it is prone to be to torn

To fear a heartbreak is not a sign of being ok

To avoid ache does not mean you know better

To stop your feelings from growing is not the way to inner peace

I am not immune to heartaches..

I am not immune to happiness

And For that,

For all of that

I am grateful..