“Safa stop crying, tears will cause dehydration..plus you’re gonna make me cry too” . Those were Coach Walid’s words as he supported me and my siblings throughout the very last stretch towards the finish line.

The truth is, I wasn’t crying, I was sobbing, you know those squeaky loud uncontrollable burst of screams mixed with tears? Now I wanted to tame them I really wanted to ( I knew they would lead to one horrible finish line photo), but I just couldn’t. The “why” lies in the journey!

THE JOURNEY…

“Knee don’t fail me now” I whispered as we all lined up at 6:58am. For three months of training I was becoming stronger, faster, happier on long runs and my one answer to the common question of “How are you feeling post long run” was “GREAT”. I didn’t face any injury and had the marathon happened on Nov 1st I would’ve ran it injury free..But hey, we can’t have everything in life as planned. I should have known better, the trick is to try and make the most out of everything life puts in our way!

START SLOW

Everyone who ever ran a marathon  decided to give me this one famous tip: ” Don’t get too excited at first, because you will get excited, but don’t..” So I started slow, just like the #happyturtle I am, with my little awesome brother by my side, and the first 10KM took forever, but I was happily enjoying the familiar road, the entertainment, even my lipstick was still on. I was looking good, I was feeling good. I took a Deep breath and reminded myself of my mantra :” I GOT THIS”. and then, on the side of the road at 10.2KM I saw my family carrying the Happy Turtle Sign and cheering for Mounir and Me. I was ready to pick up on my speed and crush the distance!

#KNEEFAIL

“it’s a new dawn it’s a new day it’s a new life for me and I’m feeling goooooooo….ooooohhhhh Crap” . I didn’t even get to sing Buble’s song out loud! Stupid knee!! Kilometer 13 was not kind, and to think I was one of those who thought that 13 is an optimistic number, it’s now totally blacklisted.

What is this horrible awful pain? Maybe it’s psychological? Although the Dr. did say that pain is inevitable, but still I rolled with the idea of it being psychological, and tried to sing it away, run it away, scream it away, scare it away, ridicule it away…

Nothing worked, and before I got my chance to speed up ( Let me stop your imagination from getting carried away and let you know that my speed mode means a pace of 6:20 at best, after all I am a turtle ) I was slowing down, biting my lips (goodbye lipstick) and fighting my tears. I was looking every now and then at little bro Moni with a “Help me” themed face expression, but he just said “yalla Safa suck it up you have no choice”

MY WOHOOOS NEVER DIED

The most amazing thing is that, with the excruciating knee pain and the exhaustion I felt from carrying all this pain with every step, I couldn’t stop myself from cheering on others, which got me to seriously think of why did I never consider becoming an official cheerleader? I always found dancing with pompoms fun and the concept of forming this pyramid of cheerleaders is fascinating..NOT!

OMG I am actually thinking of becoming a pro cheerleader at 31, this is definitely a heatstrock..GREAT! Just what I needed..oh here comes another 542 shirt: WOUHOOOOO

“Safa…Stop your wouhoos you’re losing energy” Said my pacer brother, and I kept them at a lesser volume but with the same intensity of happiness..

THE PAIN

Let me take you in details through the kind of pain I was having, every time my right foot stepped on ground I would tear a little, The ITB  “Iliotibial band syndrome is an overuse injury causing pain on the outside part of the knee especially during running when the heel strikes the ground.”

The pain was something I only faced on a casual run 5 days prior to the marathon and I never really knew the amount of pain it can carry with it. It hurt to run, it hurt to walk, it just hurt too much, and I wasn’t ready for this..but I was ready to finish this Marathon..

When I saw my family and friends at Km 27, I drowned in tears, but the sunglasses did a good job hiding them. I was willing to let go, I was willing to do anything to stop the pain, I was willing to give up..Well, not really, I was far from being ready to give up..Screw the pain, mind over matter, this is my journey and if I don’t finish it then it will just lay there next to a thousand unfinished things in my life. Yes I used to escape bad situations, I used to escape debates and never really invested in a valid argument, I hate confrontations and try to stay away from them, I stopped defending myself long time ago and when the time comes to fight for something truly worth it, I let go and move on..

Not this time though…

Wrap This Knee..WRAP IT

Moni gets bored on long runs, and I was not really a fun companion this time. I ran 1KM without realizing there’s no sign of Moni next to me nor around, it was kilometer 31 and so I stopped and waited for him to come, After some 5 mn he shows up and it was my time to cheer him on, and I did excellent ( here I drift back to how great of a cheerleader I am and gave myself a pat on the back) but soon after we reunited we drifted apart again, I was contemplating the amount of tears that came out on this run and realized it’s more than a year worth of tears in my books, which means no more tears are allowed to be shed for the rest of 2015, meaning that new year’s eve is all laughs and/or unexpressive emotions..

At Kilometer 34 I saw a red cross ambulance, I stopped there and started crying and shouting at the same time : Wrap my knee, I am in so much pain..they couldnt get me to sit so they carried me and forced me to sit and extend my right leg, I was screaming so loud I think my voice reached Moni who appeared and sat patiently next to me while they rubbed cream on it and wrapped it as tight as they could. Super thankful to the red cross for helping me complete the Kilometers with a somehow more refined way than before.

The final countdown

I saw mom and my sister again at Kilometer 35, and here also I was ahead of Moni who started slacking down ( he wasn’t injured, he was just simply bored), that was the peak of emotions to me, there she was standing there like an angel, she looked so cute in her sports gear, though she never practices sports, how nice of her to be on the course today. My family is the weirdest and the awesomest, we are not emotionally expressive but we do things that beat a morning hug or a kiss goodnight..I started shouting MOM..MOM and then realized there were so many people around me from the 10 KM fun run, for some reason they found the scene very theatrical and started clapping louder and louder to the point that got me thinking whether a bow is in order or not..

Mom took my sunglasses and Hala, my marathoner sister paced me for the rest of the Kilometers, at Kilometer 36 my youngest sister Amar, who is Moni’s twin sister, joined and Nathalie, my friend whom I paced on her last KMs last year, also joined.

In my mind, that was set to be the best part..I’m finally home away from home, meaning I’m running by the corniche, an area am all too familiar with, next to amazing people, can’t this knee just give me a break to run it happily?

Not a chance, it just gave me a chance to run. Amar went to pick up Moni and here I was forced to walk a little/ run a little/ push a little/cry a little/laugh a little

And during these very last kms, it all came back to me..

This year was not the kindest.

Some days I would not leave bed.

Some days I would be too scared to talk to people.

Some nights I would break into a million pieces.

Some days I would attempt to mend my broken pieces.

Some days I would be ok..other days I would not be ok.

I would laugh and soon cry.

I would go out or refuse to leave home.

Some days I thought I was actually dying.

Some nights I talked and no one listened.

Panic attacks are not something to be taken for granted, depression is real and it might be all too powerful to deal with.

In committing to train for a marathon, I forced myself to get out of bed before I gave myself the chance to consider whether I should or not, I pushed my body before asking it whether it’s ready or not, I had to communicate with a team of people from different ages, backgrounds and I had to listen to the coach’s orders and not rebel against them..

I followed a system without thinking too much about it, and this system changed me, made me a better person, taught me that its ok to fall once, twice, because eventually, with perseverance, one will make it there..

Where is there?

The finish line?

There is no finish line..The finish line is where your “can’t” turn to can, and this is only the start..

Bring it on world..

#HAPPYTURTLE